What is the condition of my heart?

Jewel said it best in her song "Shape Of You" when writing about the loss of her friend to cancer. "There's a hole in my heart, and I carry it wherever I go.......There's a hole in my heart, in the shape of you."

That is exactly how it feels for me. There is this hideous gaping hole that lives inside of me. It is a different grief from any I have ever felt before. Sam was my child. I use to tell him that I loved him with "all my heart", now there is a little less of me. 

I hate that this hole has taken away my ability to love anything completely. That it has cast a cloud, leaving me to feel as grey as the cloud itself. That at times, it literally takes my breath away. It causes me anxiety and deep sadness. There's a hole in my heart, and I don't know how to fix it.