I want to remember....

Sleep did not come for me on the night Sam passed until very early in the morning. When it did, it was a deep, deep sleep. I remember that in that sleep, he came to me, wrapped his arms around my neck, said "I love you," and then asked me to make him oatmeal. It was the first time I ever heard the sound of his voice.

I want to always remember the way his hand felt in mine, and his sloppy kisses. The smell of his hair after a day of play, and then again as he emerged from the bath all shiny clean. I want to always remember the sound of his excitement when I would tell him we were going to Legoland, and his uncontrollable laughter that often erupted spontaneously over the smallest of things. I want to always remember how his eyes would light up when Daddy took him for a ride in the "big truck." And that mischievous grin, the one that meant he was about to do something that was either going to crack me up, or piss me off. I want to always remember every minute of his Make A Wish trip, because every minute made him happy. I want to always remember what it felt like to hold him on my lap as I read him a story. I even want to remember those long nights in the hospital, lying next to him in the dark and making stories up. Both to pass the time and take away the fear, usually mine. I want to always remember the happiness he brought to loved ones and strangers alike.

I could write volumes on the things I will always remember, as well as the things that 
I would like to remember. I try not to dwell on fading memories, I can not control what my mind filters. One thing I know for sure, is that my heart will never forget the joy he brought in to my life. The lessons he taught me about unconditional love and acceptance, are forever etched inside my heart.